Age

Developmental Level

What Helps

Pre-3

o        Cognitively can’t understand the changes – but does experience the emotion or “heart experience” of the changes.

ü       Consistent loving routine,

ü       Lots of physical contact, maintain physical routine,

ü       Provide a consistent caregiver.

Ages 3-5

o        Rituals are critical,

o        Understands death as being reversible from TV cartoons, 

o        May respond to change by becoming clingy or regressing in behavior. 

ü       Use simple words to explain,

ü       Let them ask questions,

ü       Maintain structure and routine, 

ü       Tolerate need to become younger,

ü       Create a big energy outlet place in the home,

ü       Allow time for fun.

Ages 6-8

o        Understands death is irreversible,

o        Sees death as only happening to elderly or handicapped, will be critical of those who are ill or die,

o        Still processing a lot through body and play,

o        Language is beginning as a means of expression,

o        Family still important.

ü       Answer questions honestly,

ü       Give information about how people are helping to keep us safe,

ü       Encourage big energy, art, music, dance,

ü       Give lots of hugs,

ü       Answer questions, even if repeated over and over.

Ages 9-10

o        Begin to understand concepts – “What is heaven” 

o        Very concrete, is concerned about how their world will change,

o        Needs details, wants to understand.

ü       Reframe and “concretize”,

ü       Keep reassuring them how you are keeping them and you safe, and that schools are working to keep them safe as well,

ü       All of suggestions for 6-8 year olds

Ages 9-12

o        Very interesed in how things work – may ask lots of detailed questions, 

o        Will often intellectualize to deal with scary feelings – can appear uncaring,

o        May appear stoic and unfeeling,

o        Since our children are not used to seeing us fall apart, they may decide to keep the emotional waters calm by distancing and, intellectualizing, 

o        Or will do something to make you angry because anger is something that is familiar and safe,

o        Understands death as final, irreversible.

ü       Watch for teachable moments,

ü       Don’t be strong, be real, 

ü       Look for opportunities for them to receive peer support,

ü       Reassure them that you will take care of them or provide a surrogate who will keep the family safe,

ü       Hugs and cuddling when they initiate,

ü       Good age to learn to cope with death;

ü       Creating a ritual may be important – often first rituals are around the death of a pet.

Adolescence - Puberty to early 20’s

o        Interested in the philosophical as well as the psychological,

o        Lots of “why” questions,

o        Emotions intensified by puberty,

o        Peers becoming more important,

o        Still needs family – goes back & forth,

o        Understands death.

ü       Sit and dialogue: Help with problem solving,

ü       Mostly listen.  Sieze the “teachable moments”,

ü       Be available, but don’t push,

ü       Encourage physical outlets,

ü       Encourage peer relationships,

ü       Let child cuddle if they need to,

ü       Encourage relationships with other adults.