Age

Developmental Level

What Helps

Pre-3

Cognitively can’t understand the changes – but does experience the emotion or “heart experience” of the changes.

Consistent loving routine,
Lots of physical contact, maintain physical routine,
Provide a consistent caregiver.

Ages 3-5

Rituals are critical,
Understands death as being reversible from TV cartoons, 
May respond to change by becoming clingy or regressing in behavior. 

Use simple words to explain,
Let them ask questions,
Maintain structure and routine, 
Tolerate need to become younger,
Create a big energy outlet place in the home,
Allow time for fun.

Ages 6-8

Understands death is irreversible,
Sees death as only happening to elderly or handicapped, will be critical of those who are ill or die,
Still processing a lot through body and play,
Language is beginning as a means of expression,
Family still important.

Answer questions honestly,
Give information about how people are helping to keep us safe,
Encourage big energy, art, music, dance,
Give lots of hugs,
Answer questions, even if repeated over and over.

Ages 9-10

Begin to understand concepts – “What is heaven” 
Very concrete, is concerned about how their world will change,
Needs details, wants to understand.

Reframe and “concretize”,
Keep reassuring them how you are keeping them and you safe, and that schools are working to keep them safe as well,
All of suggestions for 6-8 year olds

Ages 9-12

Very interesed in how things work – may ask lots of detailed questions, 
Will often intellectualize to deal with scary feelings – can appear uncaring,
May appear stoic and unfeeling,
Since our children are not used to seeing us fall apart, they may decide to keep the emotional waters calm by distancing and, intellectualizing, 
Or will do something to make you angry because anger is something that is familiar and safe,
Understands death as final, irreversible.

Watch for teachable moments,
Don’t be strong, be real, 
Look for opportunities for them to receive peer support,
Reassure them that you will take care of them or provide a surrogate who will keep the family safe,
Hugs and cuddling when they initiate,
Good age to learn to cope with death;
Creating a ritual may be important – often first rituals are around the death of a pet.

Adolescence - Puberty to early 20’s

Interested in the philosophical as well as the psychological,
Lots of “why” questions,
Emotions intensified by puberty,
Peers becoming more important,
Still needs family – goes back & forth,
Understands death.

Sit and dialogue: Help with problem solving,
Mostly listen.  Sieze the “teachable moments”,
Be available, but don’t push,
Encourage physical outlets,
Encourage peer relationships,
Let child cuddle if they need to,
Encourage relationships with other adults.